Cynthia: a woman's story

I never understood what it meant to have a date without sex. It started when I was a teenager. I lost my virginity when I was 13 because I was sure that was the only way that the 16-year-old boy I adored would look my way. Now that I'm 24, nothing has changed.

Deep down, I feel all I can offer a man is sex. Without offering sex, I'll be rejected. With sex, I'll get the man to like me--and maybe call me again. I know my thinking is wrong, and I've tried to act otherwise. But at the end of every date, the feeling comes over me like a fever: I lose control; I have to have sex, even if I don't like the guy or find him attractive.

I'm not unattractive myself. I wear stylish clothes and have a good full figure. I make a decent salary in the fashion industry. I'm close to my parents and my older sisters, although they don't know about my problem. I know I'm hurting myself because I've never had a romantic relationship. I never give myself a chance to know a man because the thrill of sex clouds my mind. The thrill, though, always turns against me. I always wind up feeling empty and ashamed.

I tried to stop dating altogether, but soon I accepted a dinner invitation from a man who, before dessert arrived, I knew I couldn't resist. I asked my girlfriend if she thought I was a sex addict. "Only men are sex addicts," she said. My girlfriend was wrong.

For the past year I've been going to sexual-addiction recovery groups. I've admitted I'm a sex addict, and I'm trying to understand what healthy sexuality means for me. At first it was tough because most meetings were dominated by men. I felt a sexual rush at the meeting. Here I was, introducing myself as a sex addict to a roomful of male addicts! But fortunately no one hit on me. And another woman, whose problem was similar to mine, volunteered to be my sponsor. She told me about all-women groups, where I felt much safer.

So far I haven't been able to date. I don't trust myself. I'm still trying to understand how to relate to men without rushing into sex. I know I need time away from acting out. My sponsor says that we get intoxicated on addictive sex the way others get intoxicated on wine or weed. It takes time for those toxins to wash away. My sponsor talks to me about clarity and boundaries and behavior based on self-respect. All of this is new to me. I'm afraid I'll never make it, that the fever will come over me and make me do what I don't want to do. But then I tell myself, just keep going to the meetings, just keep listening to what other recovering addicts are saying, just keep this idea of staying sexually sober--one day at a time.

Essence Magazine, 2003