I love an alcoholic/drug addict, not like you havn't heard this one before, go figure.

We have been together for several years now, when we first met, life was good, he though a few years younger than me he was great, we would go and do things, we would have fun, hang with the friends, talk around the bonfire, he would make me feel special, and I would even drink with him though I never felt comfortable drinking heavy, so i would sip while he guzzled so to say. He would get up and go on to work, so he had no problem we thought. He drank, and occasionally he drank to often, but see I never had a problem with it, untill one weekend he went on as I call it a killer binge that induced an alcohol related seizure, Seizure was a grandmaul type, I am talking about the gasping for air, shaking uncontrolably, incoherent, eyes semi rolled into the back of his head, put him on the ground and pray the ambulance gets there soon before he dies, type seizure. Which unfortunatly opened my eyes, but not his.

That evening after the seizure I threw all the alcohol away, dumped it down the drain, fed him and catered to him, made him seek medical attention, which took some doing but it was acomplished. They did not find what they were looking for, what ever that was, and out of all of the doctors we saw only one of the doctors even bothered asking if he had been intox at the time of the seizure. (I love doctors,,, not!!!!!!!!). this is the only doc that even bothered telling us, well if he decides to cut back on his alcohol intake, call me I will help. That being that, he went right back to drinking, just not whisky, it went to just beer, then once the beer (12 to 20 pk per day), didn't seem to be satisfying him anymore, he started smoking a little marijuana occasioinally, which was not cool with me, but i tolerated it because he didn't get mean on it like he used to get with whisky. then before I even realised what was going on, the cocaine was something he swore he was able to control, he only did a little once and a while, once this came to my attention, it wasn't just once in a while, it started as, lets just get a little 40 and it be done with, then that 40 became 60 then 80, and even occasionally an eightball, and yes I felt maybe if I joined him, I could convince him otherwise, I had drank before, but never did any coke, or drugs before. This started as only on the occasional weekend, to the only day of the week he didn't get any was because we were out of money, and on those days, he really tried hard to get his friends to show up, and I listened to him belittle them if they didn't have any coke, or monies to get some and bring to him. I know you know the story.

I decide instead of him being mucked up all weekend, maybe if i take another job, this will help him cut back because he dosn't like to do this stuff alone, since his seizure, go figure, he still remembers it and it scares him a bit, but apparently not enough. So i take on another job, so i can put my monies back because here lately he has become angry and extremely agressive, and if anything was mentioned to him about either alcohol or the drugs, he would get severly agitated. Now he is sneeking whisky again, this hurts me inside to love a man that dosn't love him self, I get my teenage daughter sent to a friends house now, because I don't know from day to day what will be next. I still love him, but I just can not chance it anyfurther, I must know my daughter is safe. And apparently when there is no one to witness his behavior, he lets is all out, i end up going against a wall on a couple of occasions, I end up having to leave again, and again. I watch him as he mistreat the puppies, and feel it as he mistreats me. the verbal abuse is harder to deal with for me than the physical, I get my second job to give me all the hours they can, and I volunteer to do some extra in the yard. Now I have the second job, this idea has become his enemy, he gets up in the morning and turns off the alarm before i get up, hoping if I continue to be late I will get fired, then i can and will be all his again, this goes on for a few months, he now is convinced I have a boyfriend, that I don't love him. I try to explain to him that I cannot continue to live that way (being high) that is isn't me and I don't like it, and working is my way out I guess I could call being a workaholic my vise.

He even after one of his binges with his friends, he actually has nerve enough to come in and want to tell me I need to give up my independence, that it isn't right for a woman to be independent, that it is a mans place to provide, not the womans, I tried to explain to him, since i was an only child, and loner in school, independence is part of what makes me who I am, because I never had anyone else to fall on I always had to address my issues myself. The next day he messes up and he gets fired, his attendence has been horrid for some time now, and now he was late to work him self, his co workers, he claims sets him up, they get a pictures of empty beer bottles in his work truck, he gets fired, this is the explosion of all explosions, he gets home after I do that day, he is angry, says he is going camping, he will not be back till he gets back, he tries to take the puppies, which are a bit smarter than he is, cause they run from him, guess they are smarter than i cause i just sit there and watch him take his anger out on the puppies it is killing me not to say something, but my right to self preservation keeps me quiet, then he goes into the house, i sit watching afraid of what he may do next, he begins to throw things around the house, i still remain quiet, wanting to tell him how stupid he is being, but dare not to say anything. he finally comes out of the house and gets in my face, wants to know if i have anything to say, or any questions. I just look at him, and say I have seen and heard all i need to hear, you have lost your job, and now you are leaving me here. I look at him feeling pitty, anguish, anger. He then proceeds to yell obsanities at me, telling me how sorry I am, I am sorrier than a bump on a log, I feel my heart sink. As I watch him get in the truck and speed down the driveway.

I know I love the good man, that is the one I have fallen in love with, how I enjoy the good mans company, companionship, and love. But I dread it as I see the alcohol and drugs slowly drowning and smothering him. I feel sorry for him. I want to be there for him. My heart prays he will change, and my mind says get the hell out, before you regret it. then ironically I feel i regret it already. i begin solomnly packing my things, as i finish, I take one good look around, lock the door, and leave with a tear running down my cheek.

This is my story. I know your site is about those that abuse and get off of the stuff, or even for those that may still be using. Maybe I am wrong, but if this letter touches one person, either a used or user and helps them to decide to get out of a bad situation. Then i feel it should have a place, just like dealing with the users, and abusers, the used normally end up hurt the worst.

I am an avid internet user, and while i was living this life, searched, and searched, for a website that would help me communicate with those in a simular situation. I feel it is detrimental for those living this life, to get out from behind the curtain, and take charge of their own life. dust their selves off and move forward because nobody deserves to be treated that way.