The first time I purged.

I wanted to write about the first time I ever purged. I was very traumatized over an incident that happened to me a month earlier with a young man.

I was going to reasturants with a friend that was bulimic for five years when we met. She was trying to teach me how to purge. I watched her and tried to copy her techniques but I wasnt able to do it.

I finally bought some ipecac syrup ,it worked but i felt like my heart was going to burst. Needless to say I continued to try to purge myself. I remeber the first time I was able to raise the undigested food from my stomach. I was so happy I was crying.(or so I thought)

At first it was a game and a thrill to be able to eat whatever I wanted. Very quickly I lost control and had to purge almost every day. this went on for a few years and then it subsided until another trauma occured and I began purging 7 times a day and started exercising 2 hours a day in addition to abusing Citroma(master blaster)and diuretics. I finally lost so much weight that I was mistaken for a crack head when I attempted to get a cab.The dispatcher said to me " Get lost you crackhead!" Believe it our not I gloated that I was that thin.

The thing that finally stopped me was meeting a person that loved me for me and asked me why was I running in place. I married that man and four years later I am free of binging and purging. It hasn't been easy, I have backslided many times in the past but the episodes are few and far between. I have learned alternative ways to cope. In fact maybe some of them could help you.

I try to keep a log on diskette of how I am feeling.I just write whatever comes to mind.

I try to distract myself when feeling the urge to eat by using the computer to find something of interest. LIke reading other peoples posts and replying to them.

I try to learn about ways to help others like me and focus on the future.
I wish I could be there for all of you to hug you after you have purged and need sleep. I want to hold all of you in my arms and let you cry your eyes out and let your feelings surface. I've been there I know how bad you feel and I want to help even if its just a few posts at a time.
I hope I can break through to some of you and help you end this cycle of self-abuse. Let your rivers of tears fall down, but don't let them drown you!

Anonymous