I'm 28 and dying. But I'm free.

I was given Ritalin for adult ADD, 10 mg twice a day. My concentration was horrible and I did had problems focusing in school so my psychiatrist was all too eager to label me with Attention Defecit Disorder. Gave me a prescription and sent me along. The visit was all of maybe 6 minutes. Can you concentrate? No. Can you focus? No. Do your thoughts get scattered? Yes. Bingo...ADD I was 20.

My brother was on Ritalin so I knew what it was. He was zombie like when on it and when he wasn't, he was bouncing off the walls and couldnt sit down form more than a few seconds. That day I went home and took the pill. Really quickly I knew ADD was not it. I felt hyper alive! Like someone had whipped a invisible cape around my shoulders and slamo! Wonder Woman!

For the first time in my life I felt I could do anything. It seems in no time, I took more and more pills when thatfeeling started wearing off. Soon I was taking a months worth of pills in just weeks. I started to get bouts of depression and paranoia and constantly schemeing to get some more Ritalin because I just wanted to have that feeling back.

I told my doctor that 10 mg didn't seem to be helping. That's normal, your becoming tolerant. . He moved me to 20mg and gave me three times as much. They may as well have been m&m's . I started taking more and more and more. Then I heard some addict on tv talk about getting a faster kick by snorting it. For awhile, I was really was Super Woman, wife, teacher, mom.

That first Ritalin high, the thought of living without it was terrible, depressing and unhappy. This cycle continued for 4 years. Every morning checking and counting and planing until I could get my hands on more pills. As time passed I sunk more into depression even when I was loading up on the Ritalin. I was getting headaches, swollen painful joints, teeth problem from grinding my teeth. Everything and everyone grated on my nerves like sandpaper. I turned into a witch.

When I ran out of pills I would drink alcohol and even started smoking to satisify the feelings of needing a rush. I drank gallons of caffaine at work. I really slacked off at work, missing the deadline to put in my lesson plans for the next year, I lost my job and didn't even care. I would take more pills and come up with crazy ideas of things I was going to do now that I was "free" from work. But, I never left the house, put on real cloths or took care of anything. My only purpose in life was to satisfy my need. My husband started to come home late or not at all, getting out of my way whenever possible. Taking the kid's out of my raving way. Every day spun out of control became darker and more painful. I started having pains in my stomach and black diarrea and soon bleeding. I had developed several very abscessed teeth, my periods stopped. I poured more Ritalin in me.

I don't remember what I was doing before, probably snorting, two days later I woke up from a coma. My husband found me on the kitchen floor loosing massive amounts of blood. The doctor told me I had lost half my blood supply from ruptures in my ulcerated colon, I also had acute PAINFUL pancreatitis I had turned pumpkin colored because my liver was failing my body was slowly poisoning myself. One of my kidneys failed and the other was about to go. My Ritalin use, the alcohol and and the almost two pack a day smoking habit the super drug was super killing me.

I was released, set up for dialysis, talking with them about removing my kidney, getting me on a liver transplant list, I never wanted to see another pill, but here was was taking almost 30 a day. Two days later I had a heart attack. My heart was enlarged and infected. I knew was because of the Ritalin abuse.

I did this all to myself. I kept thinking I'm only 28,my body can bounce back in no time and I can use again. No. I can't. I got addicted and I chose to let this control my life knowing it was not the way to live. My husband divorced me. He couldn't watch me anymore. I let him keep the kids, I am to sick to care for them full time. he is still my friend. He just can't do it anymore. I understand. The only high I ever needed, being a happy family, is gone. My white picket fence is rotten.

I choose the minute I put a second pill in my mouth. I chose the machines keeping me alive. I chose to have to go and make my funeral arrangements and I chose to have to write my obiturary. I will not be here too much longer. I found this siteand I'm not ready to go so soon. In the remaing days my only wish I could go back to the start and make it right.

It's sad to see so many people get diagnosed with something they don't have and then doctor places a medication in a teenager's hand that is so powerful that it can either truly help someone or give them a false sense of identity, confidence and possibly destroy lives.

thanks gina