I was a never a big pill fan until I got vicodin after my first baby.

I had pinched a nerve in my back and it was terrible. Vicodin helped me function. I could do half a pill, put it away until the evening or next day without thinking about it. I got a couple of refills not even thinking about it. I would take a pill and if a friend was looking I would automatically say my back hurt. I don’t really remember when, but I started to need them right when I woke up to get me going. Most people get sleepy but I got energized and felt more productive, like I had my shit together. People often commented on how I had so many irons in the fire and how well I could manage. One day I went to go take a pill in the morning and dropped the bottle. As I picked up the pills I was counting. 1,2,3,4,5. Then I realized I was thinking, "I'd better get a refill so I don’t run out tomorrow. I called and had no refills left. I called my doctors office and they said I had to come in to get one. I thought who the hell are they to tell me what I can and can’t have. I was mad and too 3 pills. Then I realized my supply was about to be out. For a second I thought I could go without and then I felt paniced. I did think maybe I had a problem but I ignored the thought. I spun my wheels thinking of how I could get more. I called my mom.

I took the baby over to my mom’s house for a visit. I am still so ashamed of myself for what I did. I am working on that. When I got to my mom I put on a act like my back was really hurting. She asked if I had taken every thing and I casually said I was out and it wasn’t that bad. My mom said go in the kitchen I have some pain pills take a few with you. I don;’t like seeing you hurt. They are the ones with the red warning labels. I went in and took maybe 20 of different kinds.

My mom was battling breast cancer. I spent a lot of time with my mom after that. Not because she was dying but so I could syphen off her pills. I would go to get her precscriptions, I would call her doctors office and say she lost them or left them somewhere or she needed a stronger on.

I tried to make sure she always had some or she didn’t know. I bet she did

The whole time I thought I was just fine. A perfect wife and mother.

Then my mom died in her sleep. I went to her house to get a dress for her funeral. I took all of her pills with me, went to a couple of different pharmacys with the bottles and got some refilled.

So many people came to her funeral and said such wonderful things. Sitting there I was crying real quiet. For the loss of my mom yes, but more for thinking that there was a chance that she died in pain because of me. Maybe she suffered in pain I would switch some of her pills with vitamins and stuff that looked like them.

That night after the funeral I broke down. My husband thought it was grief. I went to my hiding place and dumped out hundreds of bottles loose pills pharmacy slips. We talked all night and I went to treatment in the morning. I was shocked how many other normal women, mothers wives that were their. All normal like me. I still thought a addict was a dirty bum on the street. Not a yuppie soccor mom in polo. Addiction doesn’t care. It attacks everyone.

Recovery was hard. Not as hard as the guilt but that is getting better. People try to reassure me she didn’t suffer. But I think if she wasn’t in pain, but knew what I was doing, she would have been in pain for me.

It’s been 8 years. I have 2 more beautiful kids and I still have to many irons in the fire.

I attend Narcanon a few times a month and that helps. I like talking with others who understand.

I have my the f’s family, friends, faith.

I’m doing ok. I just wanted to write for other mom’s. we get so busy running our homes, we stop taking care of our lives. Please talk to someone if you feel like you need something in a pill or a bottle to make you a better mom. Nothing is better than a clean and sober mom.

Pam