I am 33 years old and I have been overeating and bingeing since I was 7 years old.

My story is like so many others like me, I was abused at home and by others. My mother in her infinite wisdom told me often that I would be a blimp and that no one would want a huge woman. She reminded me often when we went shopping for clothes, or eating out, or pretty much anywhere that we were that I was fat and disgusting. I fainted once from the heat and she had to push me in a wheel chair and the whole time spewing out all the ugliness inside her at me for being so hard to push at my weight. At the time I tipped the scales at 180 lbs I was 5 ft 7 and 16. I ate in private, I ate in the bathroom, I ate in the closet, I had food under my bed, in my drawers, in my closet, in my purse. As a child however binging isn't as easy as it is now as an adult.

As a child my funds were limited, one time when I was 9 years old my siblings and I were digging through dumpsters in Ny looking for bottles to recycle when we came across a case of brownies that were thrown out. We divided them amongst ourselves and I kept my stash for awhile and would gorge every time I couldn't handle feelings. Those brownies were bad that's why they were thrown out, I ended up throwing up for days after that episode of eating rotten brownies. There are many times in my past that I remember the food binges.

Food addiction is hard to explain to anyone who isn't a food addict. My husband was a drug and alcohol addict, and he doesn't understand why it's so hard to kick it. Why can't I just make the decision and stick to it. I thought he would understand but I was wrong. I deal with people who look at my now 373 lb frame and ask me why I dont do whatever it takes to get it off me. I do that's what they dont get. I give up everything I clean my cupboards out, I start an excercise regimen, but then days, weeks even sometimes months in the voice comes back, it's been in the back somewhere whispering but now it's shouting it needs to be fed. Whats wrong with me don't I see how rigid I'm being. WHy should I have to eat plain salads when others are eating sandwiches and chips. This voice tells me that I can have that every once in awhile, I can give in every once in awhile. Before I know it I've made 3 sandwiches and eaten a whole bag of chips, and now laying on my bed in a food laden coma, I cry out of the guilt of what I've just done.

Why can't I stop, Why do I listen to that liar. Now I've given in and it will take me months maybe even years to try and control my binging again.
Food addiction is a monster that needs more tools to recover than almost any other addiction, because every day I have to eat and everyday make choices.

Today I choose to not give into that monster. To live today no longer a victim, but a survivor with a recovery story well on it's way to being written.
Stephanie Fl.